I wish that I could swim and sleep like a shark does.
I'd fall to the bottom and hide 'til the end of time.
In that sweet cool darkness; asleep and constantly floating away.
- Swim and Sleep (Like a Shark), Unknown Mortal Orchestra
Breathing underwater initially feels strange and unnatural, like a dream I once had where I was drifting around under the sea and forgot how to drown, so I grew gills and had a fine time instead. Each burst of life sustaining air from the tank is cold and dry. My lungs compensate by squeezing out all kinds of moisture to hydrate the air, make it like normal air in order for it to be properly absorbed into my picky bloodstream. Over the next five days of dive training I gulp down what seems like gallons of mineral water to compensate for this hydration exchange.
My dive instructor at Big Blue, Ollie Brown, studied biochemistry in England before he reached the conclusion that he "didn't want to be surrounded by ugly people all the time." He came to Koh Tao in search of beauty, and found it in the shallow waters encircling the island. Ollie carries this philosophy into his teaching methods at Big Blue, where he is in charge of separating the twenty or so students into four dive groups. I don't know whether to feel flattered or put off by the fact that I'm one of the five chosen for Ollie's own dive group, but man did choose an incredibly entertaining crew to spend my next five days with.
Marcus is a goofy yet collected ex-train engineer from England who bears an uncanny resemblance to Screech from Saved by the Bell. Another English chap, George, is a pleasant young fellow trying his very best to suave and debonaire his way to the top of the world. Of course Ollie picks Alina, the flirtation, sassy and dangerously sharp Ukrainian bombshell with a body that has guys doing triple-takes wherever she goes. To round out the bunch there's Angus, a truly wild and unpredictable Scotsman; a real live-wire about to be dipped into the same water as the rest of us.
After a long day of learning dive basics and skills between the classroom and pool I wind down (or up) with an evening on the town with George and Angus. I'm usually not one to spend a night out raging and prowling the bars, but in the company of these guys, Angus in particular, I would be missing out if I turned down the offer to join in on the debauchery.
George, with his light brown hair always slicked back like he came out of the womb looking that way, eyes a brunette Canadian girl from across the Big Blue bar. "Ya boys, she's as good as mine." He huffs overconfidently in his English accent. She approaches our table and Angus jumps at the opportunity to shock and entertain his audience. Through a thick Scottish accent that sounds like another language he asks "Givus a swatch a yer fanny?" Us boys fail miserably at suppressing the laughter (I'm no exception) as she smiles dryly and walks away unimpressed.
Regardless, George is so sure of his smooth ways that he stays back and plays it cool. In the meantime this Canadian girl loses interest and jumps into the first lap of the fella that gives her the eye and a drink. George isn't deterred, he simply scans the beach and aims his sights on a new girl, and the night rolls on. We move on towards the electro-pop Top 40 hits thumping out of Cancun, the loudest and most happenin' beachside nightclub on the beach strip (that also happens to be next door to Big Blue).
The cheap beer of choice on Koh Tao is Chang, which features an aesthetically pleasing logo of two Thai elephants facing one another beneath a tree, all sitting atop italicized letters. This logo is so aesthetically pleasing to one of George's friends that he has the Chang logo tattooed onto his ankle later that night. It's not uncommon for young adventurers to sail over to Koh Tao with these kinds of wise ambitions in the subconscious (or completely conscious) mind.
After downing a couple green-glassed bottles of Chang we all take part in consuming the one drink Ollie had instructed ya to stay far, far away from while in dive school. But wait - we are hairy man-men! We do as we please! We undertake the ever-popular potent cocktail found in nightlife scenes across SE Asia. The always a bad decision (leading to further bad decisions), the bucket of booze. In this case it's a concoction of knockoff red bull, plenty of cheap Sangsom rum, and ice that comes in a personal plastic bucket.
Before ya know it, the buckets are empty and sloshing around our stomachs and brains. To the amusement of all Angus is down in the sand hopping up and down over a jump rope of fire, narrowly missing the flaming line with each swing of the rope, until it envevitably catches up with his leg and sends him away grinning with some singed leg hair to remember it by.
Angus spent a few years in the British army. He admits that his time spent in the rough-and-tumble environment amongst a crew of sex-starved brutes turned him into a bit of an animal. Angus is a rare breed. An animated, outrageous and defiant character with a sex-drive that could rival Ganges Khan's. Yet somehow, he also maintains a sensitive, thoughtful and inquisitive side with moments of introspection and humility. Angus also has a strange obsession - taking photographs with complete strangers while he chokes them. A peculiar and perplexing fellow, he leaves people with an endearing and highly memorable aftertaste wherever he goes.
By the night's end Angus finds himself on his first dive. It's a dark and challenging plunge, in this case of Chinese origin. A dive that they don't teach you how to do in dive school. To phrase it bluntly, a muff dive.
Over the course of the next two days I learn the ins and outs of scuba diving and bear witness to some of the most entertaining social situations I've ever encountered. By the end of the Open Water Course Alina has every one of us guys fooled into believing she wants us for herself (even though she makes it well known that she has a knight-in-shining-armor boyfriend waiting for her back in Belgium where she's living).
The entire time Alina is around Angus exhausts his inexhaustible libido attempting to convince her he's the Casanova of her dreams. One highlight features all of our dive group eighteen meters underwater. Amongst the colorful corals and plentiful tropical fish Angus turns to Alina. Like a horny magician, he pulls a condom out from somewhere inside his wetsuit, dangles it like a lure before her eyes inquisitively, and receives an underwater eye roll. After a while you get used to laughing into an air regulator.
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