Ever dream of starring in a comedy-action-romance-nature-documentary-reality-show, underwater? I know I haven't. Regardless, for one day the divers in my Open Water course and myself are all undersea-stars (not to be confused with starfish, ya wise-guy). Yes, we are followed by a spritely young underwater cameraman who films our every move in and out of the watery depths with his waterproof rig. Fancy that!
My dive group is full of characters who are already pretty obscene and outrageous by default. Adding the spotlight of the camera further dissolves any fragments of inhibition that might remain. How does one top something already over-the-top? Topple the untoppable?
At 7am we rub the sand from our weary eyes (the sleepy time sandman variety of sand, that is) and the six of us line up on the beach with the camera man a dozen meters before us. We bound gallantly across the sand towards the camera in cheesy-suave Baywatch fashion as we flaunt our very best intro moves. Ollie keeps his cool (as always), George and Marcus follow suit, Alina does some rock'n'roll move, and when the camera pans over to Angus he leans over to give my leg a few dry-humps that don't quite surprise me. I give my nips a tweak and let the tongue droop out. Gotta show the camera some love, ya know?
The film-fed antics continue as we hop into a smallish boat piled high with dive tanks and gear, which delivers us to the larger dive boat that we'll spend most of our day on as it takes us over to the dive sights. Finally, we tumble into the sea, showing off our newly learned front-flip entry method: The James Bond Roll. Slick.
Sinking down into the blue, the cameraman submerges as well and tails us closely. For one fleeting, passionate moment beneath the waves George and Alina become entangled in a fit of furious aquatic dry humping (wet-dry-humping?). Angus looks on and plays it off like he doesn't feel a spike of jealousy at the sight. It shoulda been you man, it shoulda been you.
I yank out my regulator to flash a toothy smile to the camera and quickly pop it back in as I am reminded it's the only thing keeping me from drowning down there. My undersea umbilical cord! It can be kinda tough to give the camera a good show when you're trying to keep your cool and maintain buoyancy under the waves in these new and foreign conditions. We add and remove air from our buoyancy compensators (BC's) until we float along weightlessly, much like a dolphin swimming in a pool of jello. Or like a fish in water. Once that perfect aquatic suspension is obtained, the sensation is that of pure bliss. I imagine the feeling must be much like floating in space.
Mastering the art of buoyancy can be a tricky affair at first. Too little buoyancy and you sink towards the bottom, possibly landing on and damaging the delicate reef. Iif it's the fire coral variety or a perfectly disguised stonefish you rub up on, you're in for a nasty, potentially deadly surprise. If there is no bottom in sight, an extended plummet could result in a variety of mind altering effects (and possibly death, of course!).
The further one descends, the more the air released from their tank compresses under the water pressure. A breath 30m underwater contains much more oxygen and nitrogen than a breath at the surface. The oxygen can be toxic at some depths, but is harmless at the level reached for recreational diving. Nitrogen works a little differently, however. As it enters the bloodstream at depths below 30m or so, it creates an ever-increasing euphoric effect similar to laughing gas (doesn't sound half bad, actually). Below 50m one may begin to hallucinate...At 90m+ it's lights out for Mr. Diver!
Deeper dives also require more time to return to the surface. As more nitrogen is absorbed into the bloodstream it takes more and more time for it to leave the body. If one ascends too quickly, the pressure decreases and those tiny little nitrogen bubbles in the bloodstream expand and combine, creating exceedingly larger nitrogen bubbles. These bubbles rush up into the brain where they can block bloodflow and result in some deadly complications (the bends). Remember this: "Ya get the bends, you're gonna have a bad time!"
Too much buoyancy, on the other hand, and one might shoot up towards the surface too quickly. If it's a panic-stricken ordeal someone could try and hold a breath taken they took deep down (it's only natural to want to hold your breath, being underwater and all). Holding in a breath taken deep below the water and rising to the surface without exhaling causes that breath to expand. It will continue to grow larger and larger as pressure lessens, until it reaches potentially lung-popping proportions (lung overexpansion injury). Remember this: "Ya get a lung overexpansion injury, you're gonna have a bad time!"
Alright - enough with all this talk of danger and gasses and pressure changes. This diving business is really a breeze once you understand the boundaries. We're filming a scuba film here, and what undersea-special would be complete without an aquatic kung-fu/Matrix scene? In semi-cheesefest fashion we pop our fins off of our feet and stick 'em on our hands, then proceed to mock-karatechop and kick each other silly, all in slo-mo over the sandy ocean floor. Ollie keeps his cool (as always). It's like he was born in the limelight. He's almost...too cool. Has this guy got something to hide?! No one is that cool.
Later, dried off and back up on the roof of the boat, we each take turns being filmed flying off the side to crash into the water below. Before Angus jumps, he yanks out a travel-size jar of Vaseline he just happens to be carrying. He thrusts the jar toward the camera in order to make a public service announcement on the necessities of proper lubrication. Better safe than sorry, I suppose. When it comes time for me to take the leap, some strange, irrepressible urge finds me soaring off the starboard side whilst vigorously pinching my nipples and spinning round and round until I plunge into the salty water below. The camera...does things to a man.
This fall: Big Blue Diving: The Movie - coming to a computer screen in California in a few months.
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