Speed Spelunkers 2: Cave of crap

Fish Cave is a dirty, dirty, speciesist hole full of crap. I didn't know caves were even capable of discriminating. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening! I optimistically follow signs across a great little wooden suspension bridge over a pond, eager to see what the cave has in store. A gentle hiking path leads me to the entrance of this place called Fish Cave and finally it hits me. Fish, and only fish are granted passage into Fish Cave to reap its cave-ish rewards. This is mainly due to the fact that the entrance is submerged entirely underwater, and furthermore it's filled wall to wall with armor scaled crap the color of wet cement. Yes, the fish are really called crap - Soro brook crap fish to be specific. They are especially crappy for not letting me into their stupid exclusive stanky ass cave.

See for yourself, these fish are crap! Pimple checked crap. Gotta love that translation.

I lean down to peel a leaf of pale wilted lettuce off the nearby ground and toss it down between the rock walls, towards the dark wavering pool below. A floppy crap gobbles it right up without hesitation with this splopping, plobbing sound as I watch on in disgust. You would, ya filthy, floppy fish! I turn back and pinch another trampled piece of lettuce off the cave entrance floor to try again. I triple dog dare any of em to eat the dirty morsel as it drifts downward through the air towards the fecal-esk forces below. An especially greedy, real girthy crap flops up and slurps the nasty bite right out of the air before it even has a chance to hit the water's surface. You sick, scaley bastard! You didn't! You did...

Fish Cave: Full of crap! This picture does little justice. The sheer volume of crap in this cave is astounding. Note the wilted shit-lettuce scattered about. They feast on the stuff like filthy animals!

Try and keep me out of your stinky cave...I have half a mind to dive right in and see for myself that this cave is slimy and unfit for air-breathing humanoids. If I were playing Pokémon I would simply command my Gyrados to use its "Surf" ability to ferry me on in. I'd proceed to battle every last crap and leave em all KO'd, no exeptions! Of course I would clean that cave right out of rare Pokémon and Rare Candies faster than you could say "fried crap on a Poké-stick". If only life were so simple!

Outside the cave the crap starts to thin out a bit. They must be drinking too much of that Thai tap water

I'm stuck at the impossible entrance to Fish Cave when I spot an attractive Thai girl with her family. She catches me with a coy smile and I return the gesture. "Maybe Fish cave isn't so bad after all." I think as I turn back towards the shrine. Then I hear this deep, throaty voice uttered from somewhere nearby. I glance back just in time to discover its source - that same attractive Thai girl, who has now been transformed into an impressively deceptive Thai ladyboy. Confound it! I've been foiled! What a dirty trick. You can never be too sure in these parts. At least I came to this conclusion right away - I've heard a dark tale of a fella who found out a beautiful Thai lady was in fact a ladyboy through means of another, more concrete method. Nuff said.

A Buddhist shrine enrobed in tiger fabric and adorned with offerings of flowers, drinks and incense. He was watching all of this go down, and didn't even have the nerve to holler at me and let me know what was up. Weak tiger man, weak.

Fool me once, shame on crap, fool me twice, shame on ladyboy, fool me thrice...well it never came to that, but Buddha knows that shame would never lay a crooked finger on me! On my way out of the cave park I approach a small cement bridge supporting a child wrapped in a fiery orange robe. He leans over wooden railing and peers down into a tranquil stretch of pond below while fish glide effortlessly, breathing water like air. He pays me no mind, stays focused on the aquatic scene below. What goes on in the the mind of a child monk?

"Oh, you know, just thinking about child-monk things, that's all."

Enough of this meandering bellyaching blabber! Let us rewind to a happier, simpler time. Before I came to Fish Cave, there was the latest town stop and halfway point of this wacky road trip - Mae Hong Son. The portion of the drive between Kuhn Yuam and Mae Hong Son is mythic. It's seriously strait out of a Dr. Seuss illustration. The mountains pile up in wavey, mist veiled rows receding forever into the distance. Unlike the Rocky Mountains I grew up under back in Colorado, these are short, round and stubby; entirely covered in lush green, burnt orange and faded red flora. Do I detect a faint whiff of green eggs and ham floating through the air?

"Who assisted in taking this shot of you?" you might ask. Let's just say my little friend auto timer knows how to time automatically.

Maybe it's the divine drive that has me all hot and bothered, but by the time I lay eyes on Mae Hong Son I'm already head over heels in love with the place. Nestled into a sunny mountain valley like a golden g-string fit snuggly between the cheeks of some hybrid Buddhist-Greek Aphrodite type honey, this place is a real dream. I cover as much of the town as possible in the next few hours, though I could have stayed a long while. Rather than sugar coat it with flowery words I'll just show some photos of this place Mae Hong Son, my favorite stop along the Mae Hong Son loop.

Mark my words: I will be back for you someday Mae Hong Son!

Pocket coaster cave creeper

The only rules on these roads are: 1.Don't crash, and 2. Don't ride the cows without asking them first

The open road evaporates worries, poses new perspectives, and splatters bugs across your face. Over the next few days I ride up and down Northwest Thailand along this seemingly endless roller coaster of mountains, valleys, and plains. This coaster includes not only varying terrain, but microclimates as well. One moment I'm flying through a toasty pocket of air and the next I'm bursting into a chilled pocket. 

Pocket Coaster Supreme, mmmmm that's a good pocket coaster

Roadside d-lite

I grow more and more comfortable on my motorbike, leaning hard into tight corners and hurdling down stretches of straightaway. The combination of playful curves, swooping slopes, and Thai sunshine is ecstasy inducing on a bike. It's during these dreamy, carefree rides that I catch myself laughing, drunken from the sheer pleasure of it all. At times I stop, turn around, and repeat some of these perfect portions of pavement over again because they are so damn satisfying. Scratches that itch I can't quiet reach riding the bus around San Francisco.

I sat on a post along this stretch of road for about fourty-five minutes sketching that cozy pocket of valleys and peaks. People driving by gave me funny looks and I gave them a winky wink or two

To keep things fresh, every now and then I turn on a whim up a skinny unmarked jungle road and cruise for a while, or ride down a secretive rural village alley to see what's in store. Every narrow path that I pass beckons me to explore it, and I have to take a breath and remind myself, "There just isn't enough time to explore them all!" I would if I could.

"Please Parker, take my shady jungle path towards uncertainty and possibly undiscovered ancient ruins and majestic beasts!" Whispers every side road into my perked up ear

While in Mae Sariang I pull over at one of the many coffee shops to gaze off the patio at the great river flowing lazily along below. I watch some water buffalo mosey lazily across the river, stopping to cool off in a deeper portion as they pass. All so peaceful, but in my rush to see every last bit of Northern Thailand during my all-too-short six day road trip, I somehow can't quite properly appreciate the serenity of these lands. The clock is always ticking in the back of my thoughts, but I try to stop to appreciate and process all of this magic the best I can.

Water buffalo lolly gagging in the river running through Mae Sariang

I stop to get a snack before heading off to the next destination. An old smiling woman peels tiny bananas, grills them lightly over coals and then presses them between a wooden vice. The smashed fruits are placed in a small plastic bag that's then filled with fresh sweetened coconut milk. As I attempt to pull some cash out of my pocket to pay for the tasty treat, my scooter key tumbles from my grasp and lands on the narrow concrete sidewalk below. I bend down to snatch them up and gasp at what I see. Had the keys landed just an inch to the right, they would have plummeted down a tiny hole into a sewer canal a few feet below. Luck is on my side on this day! After a sigh of relief I pay the smily old gal and cruise over to a rice paddy hut to munch my smashed banana surprise in the shade of the heavy sunlight.

Banana lady smashing some of her grilled bananas. Why the smashing? I couldn't tell ya.

Somewhere between the cities of Mae Sariang and Kuhn Yuam my curiosity overcomes my desire to make it to my next stop before nightfall. I follow signs marked with a cave icon onto a back road winding through clusters of shy brown shacks. Roosters and stray dogs poke around the dusty road, villagers peek out from their yards and watch me drive past.

Asked this jolly fellow if I might snap a portrait of him while he worked his palm leaves

The path spits me out into a sun drenched forest tangled with palms, and twisting road begs me to accelerate as quickly as possible without flying off the side of the mountain. I come to a park station of some sort and discover entry to the cave itself requires a lift from a pickup truck. I hop up onto a bench welded to a truck bed, and for the first time on this road trip I meet a few travelers on the same loop I'm following, only headed counterclockwise. They consist of three Danish folk, a German couple, and one American.

Played some guitar at the cavesite base. The rice paddy fields make for a wonderful audience

The truck plops us before the mouth of Kaew Komon Cave and we begin our descent into the dimly lit throat of a passageway. Here and there bouquets of brilliant white crystals splash the ceiling with a fine glittering shimmer. Formations change shape and color as we go further down, but artificial lighting and cement stairs disenchant the experience a bit. 

Information: Caves located within caves are also called caves

I'm looking one of those dark, dank caves. One filled with haunting mysteries, booby traps, and quiet spooks. One that swallows you whole and intends to turn your body to a pile of dusty bones in some dead ended vein of its endless labyrinth. The kind of cave The Goonies led me to believe waits for me somewhere out there.

"This place is nothing compared to Lot Cave." claims the American as we reach the cave's end. "You could easily get lost in that place." I take mental note of his statement and soon thereafter we all resurface from the narrow passageway.

How could you drive past this sign? That man in the cave image is having a blast and a half!

Back on the road on my own an hour or so later I come across another form of natural intrigue, a modest hot spring. As the sun sets I take a dip and begin plotting my next move. That initial taste of cave crawling has whet my appetite for more, and according to my map the mountains ahead are carved with many a dark and gaping mouth, hungrily awaiting my entrance with stalactite fangs. I assure myself and the caves, "Soon both of our appetites will be sated!"

View from my cozy little hot spring room. Not included: Sound of old Thai man groaning as he simmers in his old man hot spring stew

Karaoke hero for my night ride

By now it has become clear that my general sense of space and time is missing a few nuts and bolts here and there. About a third of the way to Mae Sariang, the first stop of my five day road trip through Northen Thailand, I realize that daylight is fading fast. The combination of dwindling light and the fact that my surroundings are so unfalteringly gorgeous (so much so that I can't help but stop and soak it in every five minutes) leaves me surrounded in darkness before too long. The kind of thick, blanketing darkness that multiplies the stars a thousand times from what I'm used to seeing in San Francisco. Dat jungle darkness.

Sunsets are just grand, ain't they?

As I transition out of the forest carpeted mountain slopes and into the terraced rice paddy hills the dusk unveils rings and patches of blazing orange fire in the distance, where farmers have ignited the earth to clear their fields of dead crops. It's hypnotizing, watching the rings creep ever so slowly outwards as they consume the ground beneath them and leave only ash. I try my best not to take my eyes off of the winding road too often in the fleeting light, but again - this place is all nature porn, all the time. Before I know it all that lies between me and pitch black darkness is my little headlight, fighting to push back the darkness just a few meters in front of me.

When the fire starts to burn (right?) and it starts to spread

Every once in a while I approach a sharp curve on the road and a car comes careening towards me out of nowhere. The drivers along this road seem to enjoy taking a wide berth when coming around curves. This adds a wonderful sense of suspense and adrenaline to the night driving equation, keeps me on my tippy toes.

I finally burst out onto wider main road, Highway 108, but I still have a long ways to go. It feels like I've been driving in the night much longer than I actually have, and it's beginning to grow noticeably chilly. I start to feel sort of anxious. Will I have to pull over and camp out between the banana trees, with plump jungle insects cuddling up beside me to feast on my flesh? No way José! I press onward.

Scooteroo view before the darkness sinks in completely

The one thing that really kept me going that night, and for any other anxious moments on the road for that matter, was this incidental bit of warm homey comfort that my bike provided. You see, when I squeezed the right break handle it made a sound just like the ribbitting of frogs in the pond outside of my old backyard in Colorado where I grew up. In addition to that, whenever I accelerated my front wheel would chirp exactly like the chorus of crickets I used to fall asleep to every night of every summer back home. This curious little slice of aural comfort kept my spirits warm throughout my time on the road. Ribbit ribbit, chirp-a-durp!

I have no pictures of complete darkness, because black rectangles are sooooooo boooooooring. Here's another field on fire instead

I stop into a tiny village to fill both my tank and stomach and end up eating some kind of alien fruit that looks like enormous corn kernels and tastes like papaya and lettuce combined - overall a pretty good time. Back on the road, I wonder if I'll just end up driving and driving all through the night. I start to speed faster and faster, the adrenaline fueling itself. My lips and cheeks flap wildly in the wind.

You see now? It's just dull. Now if it had some pairs of beady eyes lurking here and there...

Finally I approach the outskirts of Mae Sariang and begin scanning my surroundings for a place to rest my weary bones. Approaching on my left is a little bar or something similar, alive with lights and music. Karaoke, to be specific. I would have rolled right past, but a strip of numbered doors beside it lure me in. Though the rooms aren't the cheapest I've found so far, the people running the place are warm and friendly, and I'm exhausted.

I toss my gear onto the mattress. Your basic setup: bed, bathroom and shower (plus mini TV!). The showers in Thailand aren't really separated from the rest of the bathroom. A shower head is stuck on the wall next to the toilet, and the water drains out from a hole in a corner of the room. K.I.S.S.: Keep it simple, stupid! On top of the beddings I snatch up what I assume is a piece of wrapped Thai candy. I tear open the wrapper and nearly take a bite before I realize it's little bar of soup. I chuckle at myself in my state of delirium. 

My steed and gear at dusk. Wish I had taken a photo of that weird fruit. It was funky to the max

The corny yet foreign sound of Thai karaoke coaxes me out to grab a beer and see it for myself. In the bar I'm met with flashing colored lights and a stage. An entire family of ten or so that own and operate the place take turns howling out their favorite Thai jams. We are the only people in the whole joint, and I sit at table across theirs. I am a spectator on my own little table island. I watch the spectacle unfold.

A cute and giggly Thai girl stumbles over a chair as she approaches me, wine glass in hand. The family watches on and laughs in an attempt to ease the embarrassment. She sits across from me and earnestly poses a couple questions in English, "Where you from?" "Where you going?" Conversation is limited but enjoyable all the same. She giggles and gives me her email address. I am some kind of rare specimen in these less frequented parts of the country. It keeps things feeling authentic and interesting.

I wander outside and an older man puffing on a cigarette, perhaps the father of the girl inside, greets me in Thai. I reply in mangled Thai and he says a mouthful the meaning of which I'll never know. Back in my room I collapse into my bed. The sweet lullaby of drunken Thai karaoke lulls me into a deep sleep.

Note the petite Christmas tree on stage. Thai Karaoke is basically Christmas, but gifts are replaced with alcoholic beverages, and instead of Deck the Halls they sing Chan Rak Thur

Road triip! Road triip! Road triip! Road trip.

It's night in the mellow Old Town center of Chiang Mai. I stumble across a gang of stray dogs chasing a stray cat as I turn around a street corner. My mind is ablaze with thought. Earlier that day I received a message from Slava, my old Russian friend, coworker, and travel addict. He's been around these parts and lets me in on his favorite Thai adventures. There's one in particular that he says I simply can't miss called The Mae Hong Son Loop. It's settled, the next five days I'm cruisin' round Northern Thailand.

The Mae Hong Son Loop, quite cruisable

I grab a $6 Thai massage to loosen up before my journey begins in the morning and consider what the trip might entail. Adventure? Surely. Risk? Inevitably. Danger?! I certainly hope so! Maybe I will come across a wild tiger, befriend it, and it will let me ride on it's back through the jungle. My lofty thought is overtaken when the portion of the massage where my limbs are stretched and pulled to the max begins. My joints crackle like a bowl of Rice Crispies, Pop Rocks, and firecrackers, with gasoline poured on top, and a lit match dropped in. In a good way.

These little spirit houses are placed all over the place in Thailand. Offerings of food, beverage and flowers are placed before them. A place for spirits to kick back and enjoy eternity

The next day I rent a motor scooter and set out on a five day road trip across 400 miles of Northern Thai mountains, jungle forests, and countless villages and towns. At Mr. Mechanic (the rental place) I stretch bungee cords around my hefty backpack and petite guitar to fasten them to the rear of a scooter. I proceed to hop onto the saddle of the red and black hot rod (in my mind at least). It's an older Honda model, but it seems to run as smooth as I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!

Before I departed this fellow and his wife cooked me a mean Pad Thai wrapped in an omelette. Most pleasurable to consume!

I grip the throttle excitedly and ask how to fire up the ol' steel horse. The spunky, attractive Thai girl renting me the bike starts up the engine, gives it some gas, and cautiously asks if I've ever ridden a motorbike before. "Oh ya!" I answer without hesitation as I gingerly pull out onto the street. Even if it's a lie, I sure as hell better convince myself I know how to ride a motorbike if I'm going to last 640km on the twistiest, turniest roads I've ever encountered.

Set to jet! In this picture my disposition is that of "stoked to smithereens"

And I'm off! And I'm going the wrong way! And I'm pulled over by a road cop! He checks my driver's license and asks where I'm headed. After an uneasy pause he smiles and motions me onward in the right direction. I set out once more, this time towards my first destination, Doi Inthanon, a national park exploding with jungle forest and the highest peak in all of Thailand. I must reach the summit!

The first peculiar sight I encounter on the drive: a pink dog crossing a stream before a temple. What is the meaning of this strange omen?!

Scooting along the outer limits of Chiang Mai I start to familiarize myself with my iron steed and the pavement beneath it. The lanes of Thailand are opposite those in the states which takes a little getting used to. At first driving on the left side feels incredibly awkward, like I'm undoing all of my hardwired driving knowhow that I've always followed without second thought. I'd be lying if I said I didn't see a car barreling towards me on a few occasions only to realize I was on the right (wrong) side of the road. Yeehaaa! The city dissipates and before I know it I'm flying past fields of rice paddies and banana trees, into the shady, winding roads of the northern mountains.

Made it out of Chiang Mai and the living is e-z

At the entrance station of Doi Inthanon I meet two American expats, Aaron and Justin. They are living in China while Aaron studies language and Justin teaches English. "China is nice to live in, but I wouldn't want to visit for a vacation or anything." They tell me. They go on to say that the language and culture barriers make it very tough to travel confidently in most areas, if at all. It's not like Thailand, where most signs have English translations typed out below the intricate Thai characters. Everything there is in Chinese, all the time. It makes sense, it being China and all. As it turns out Justin was born in Boulder, Colorado, where I grew up and went to school at CU. He went to CSU in Fort Collins and we are supposed to be arch rivals but we agree to leave our differences in the states. I still poison him a little while he's not looking.

Scootin along with some fellow scooteroo expats

I tag along with these fellers and we motor on up into the lush scenery of Doi Inthanon. Every last inch seems coated in thick greenery. Once in a while the trees open up to picturesque views; endless layers rounded mountains, each set gaining a thicker veil of mist and smoke the further they recede into the horizon. The smoke comes billowing in from farms scattered across the region. It's burning season, when farmers set their harvested fields ablaze.

A view from Doi Inthanon: misty mountains lounging like it's their job

A sign appears with an icon upon it reading "Sirithan Waterfall". An arrow pointing into the forest invites us to investigate. We do. If I hadn't met up with these gents I surely would have passed by the sign. I'm in good company. There's a short walk to the falls and at the overlook we witness three mighty tiers of white falls, each showering down upon the next until the last pours itself into a river. Sort of like an endless chain of immense white slinkies that a delinquent child melts down at the bottom.

Sirithan Waterfall, from above. What a beaut! I'd like to take that waterfall out to dinner at a restaurant with a tablecloth and lectric candle

A nearby sign warns "Dangerous! No Entry!" The three of us agree it's best to judge for ourselves how dangerous it really is, since danger in Thailand could be measured on a different scale than danger back home. We must conduct studies and research, for America! I stash my gear out of sight behind a tree, and after a steep yet manageable decent through a leaf covered forest trail, we peer up to the base of the relentless waterfall.

The Thai to English translation was in fact very flawed. What it should have read is: this "Take this route! you won't regret it"

The first order of business is to try and climb up to the falls and see how close we can get to falling in. Aaron and I slip and crawl our way beneath the main fall, getting a little damp along the path. Justin manages to climb his way all the way up an immense, steep boulder past the last and greatest of the three part waterfall before realizing he can't necessarily get back down. After toying around with a few options he finally agrees to go around through the jungle and avoid a nasty plummet onto sharp rocky spires below. It works! Mess avoided.

Aaron shaking his head as Justin flirts with mortality

Returning to the bikes, we ride on up. And up and up and up, until we reach the summit and highest point in Thailand. A King had his remains buried here as his eternal chill out spot. Not too shabby! The trees cluster tightly to prevent any grand view outward, but there's a stark white shrine behind two wooden elephants so old they are dressed in moss.

One of the elephants, it has stood there chilling hard for a long long time. Chilling so hard!

The highest spot in Thailand, which is actually about 20ft below the actual highest point, where the white shrine sits

Having conquered the mountain of Doi Inthanon, we chat for a bit about life in China. The social customs sound incredibly complex. As with Thai culture, there's the concept of "saving face", where in social interacting one avoids embarrassing the other and resists conflict at all costs (because if things do get heated, it escalates real quick). The other aspect is the concept of "giving face", where in group conversation with an important person, you draw attention towards them through compliments and the like, without detracting from your own social standing. It's like social currency. It sounds complicated.

Justin and Aaron, my Chinese buds. Or should I say, buds from China

After conquering the summit we exchange the standard "Drive safe! Pleasant travels!" and split off. A little later I find them investigating a scorched van waiting further down the road, along with a depth defying view nearby. Aaron greets me again, surprised, and informs me that my turn off was a ways back up the road. At least my skewed sense of direction never fails to send me towards interesting sights! I turn around, bid a final farewell, and take a left onto a narrow one-and-a-half lane road snaking into the jungle.

Stay tuned for the next thrilling and semi-erotic installment!