Fish Cave is a dirty, dirty, speciesist hole full of crap. I didn't know caves were even capable of discriminating. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening! I optimistically follow signs across a great little wooden suspension bridge over a pond, eager to see what the cave has in store. A gentle hiking path leads me to the entrance of this place called Fish Cave and finally it hits me. Fish, and only fish are granted passage into Fish Cave to reap its cave-ish rewards. This is mainly due to the fact that the entrance is submerged entirely underwater, and furthermore it's filled wall to wall with armor scaled crap the color of wet cement. Yes, the fish are really called crap - Soro brook crap fish to be specific. They are especially crappy for not letting me into their stupid exclusive stanky ass cave.
I lean down to peel a leaf of pale wilted lettuce off the nearby ground and toss it down between the rock walls, towards the dark wavering pool below. A floppy crap gobbles it right up without hesitation with this splopping, plobbing sound as I watch on in disgust. You would, ya filthy, floppy fish! I turn back and pinch another trampled piece of lettuce off the cave entrance floor to try again. I triple dog dare any of em to eat the dirty morsel as it drifts downward through the air towards the fecal-esk forces below. An especially greedy, real girthy crap flops up and slurps the nasty bite right out of the air before it even has a chance to hit the water's surface. You sick, scaley bastard! You didn't! You did...
Try and keep me out of your stinky cave...I have half a mind to dive right in and see for myself that this cave is slimy and unfit for air-breathing humanoids. If I were playing Pokémon I would simply command my Gyrados to use its "Surf" ability to ferry me on in. I'd proceed to battle every last crap and leave em all KO'd, no exeptions! Of course I would clean that cave right out of rare Pokémon and Rare Candies faster than you could say "fried crap on a Poké-stick". If only life were so simple!
I'm stuck at the impossible entrance to Fish Cave when I spot an attractive Thai girl with her family. She catches me with a coy smile and I return the gesture. "Maybe Fish cave isn't so bad after all." I think as I turn back towards the shrine. Then I hear this deep, throaty voice uttered from somewhere nearby. I glance back just in time to discover its source - that same attractive Thai girl, who has now been transformed into an impressively deceptive Thai ladyboy. Confound it! I've been foiled! What a dirty trick. You can never be too sure in these parts. At least I came to this conclusion right away - I've heard a dark tale of a fella who found out a beautiful Thai lady was in fact a ladyboy through means of another, more concrete method. Nuff said.
A Buddhist shrine enrobed in tiger fabric and adorned with offerings of flowers, drinks and incense. He was watching all of this go down, and didn't even have the nerve to holler at me and let me know what was up. Weak tiger man, weak.
Fool me once, shame on crap, fool me twice, shame on ladyboy, fool me thrice...well it never came to that, but Buddha knows that shame would never lay a crooked finger on me! On my way out of the cave park I approach a small cement bridge supporting a child wrapped in a fiery orange robe. He leans over wooden railing and peers down into a tranquil stretch of pond below while fish glide effortlessly, breathing water like air. He pays me no mind, stays focused on the aquatic scene below. What goes on in the the mind of a child monk?
Enough of this meandering bellyaching blabber! Let us rewind to a happier, simpler time. Before I came to Fish Cave, there was the latest town stop and halfway point of this wacky road trip - Mae Hong Son. The portion of the drive between Kuhn Yuam and Mae Hong Son is mythic. It's seriously strait out of a Dr. Seuss illustration. The mountains pile up in wavey, mist veiled rows receding forever into the distance. Unlike the Rocky Mountains I grew up under back in Colorado, these are short, round and stubby; entirely covered in lush green, burnt orange and faded red flora. Do I detect a faint whiff of green eggs and ham floating through the air?
"Who assisted in taking this shot of you?" you might ask. Let's just say my little friend auto timer knows how to time automatically.
Maybe it's the divine drive that has me all hot and bothered, but by the time I lay eyes on Mae Hong Son I'm already head over heels in love with the place. Nestled into a sunny mountain valley like a golden g-string fit snuggly between the cheeks of some hybrid Buddhist-Greek Aphrodite type honey, this place is a real dream. I cover as much of the town as possible in the next few hours, though I could have stayed a long while. Rather than sugar coat it with flowery words I'll just show some photos of this place Mae Hong Son, my favorite stop along the Mae Hong Son loop.
Mark my words: I will be back for you someday Mae Hong Son!
No comments :
Post a Comment