Super Monkey Madness 4: Escape from Lopburi

Lopburi: a city overrun with scoundrels, thieves, and pranksters. The monkeys, I mean. The people of the town are all friendly and polite, but the monkeys are ruthless...and sometimes adorable.

Welcome to Lopburi, Thailand's monkey haven

I arrive by train around noon, and as soon as I step onto the platform I'm greeted by a large red monkey sculpture. How curious. I store my backpack and guitar at the station and wander outside. Directly across from the train station there are some ruins to check out, but they don't quite compare to those I've seen in Ayuthaya the day before (how can you top that place?!). I explore them regardless, and there are some rad ass Super Mario style Bowser's Castle type gaps between some of the ancient structures.

Whatever you do, don't fall into the lava

With the sun beating down on my pastey white neck I wander further into town. It's not long until I encounter a crab-eating macaque (that's the actual name of this type of monkey). He's rummaging through some garbage on the sidewalk looking for treats. As I approach him to ask for a photo he climbs up a powerline pole and scampers off before I can get a good shot. That little rascal! I had my chance to catch a good photo of a monkey, and now it's gone. Just like that. Curse you monkey!

Spotted! Crab-eating macaque. Where's your crab, macaque??

In my brief moment of defeat I hear some clamor above me. I look up to see four monkeys chasing one another along the awnings covering the storefronts along the street. Further down a few tightrope-walk their way across power lines with the greatest of ease. There's still hope for me to acquire my monkey shot! There is in fact not just one of these monkeys in Lopburi, there are hundreds, and they all want to be your best friend (in order to steal anything and everything they can wrap their dirty little monkey hands around). Walking along the streets of this surreal place I watch monkeys sit on parked scooters and sneak up to shops in hopes of snagging a little something for themselves.

Quit monkeying around up there, you'll bump your head!

Finally I approach Prang Sam Yot, Lopburi's quintessential Indiana-Jones-style ruin with several huge golden monkey statues standing before it, with actual monkeys on top  of those statues. There are three eroded prangs making up the originally Hindu shrine (it was later converted to a Buddhist shrine, as is common in Thailand). I enter the grounds and dozens upon dozens of monkeys stare back at me.

Toss another monkey on that mini monkey's tail and we got a monkey fractal going

I whip out the ol' photo capturing device and go to town. They are all just so photogenic! As I reach out to snap a photo of one, she reaches back and tries to snatch my camera! I recoil in shock. These guys are all little kleptos! Some take turns grooming one another in social tradition, while others tail the unsuspecting park guests such as myself, plotting.

Look into the eyes of a professional thief. No remorse!

From then on it's a free for all. Baby monkeys bursting with curiosity run up to see what my shoelaces are all about, untying them and proceeding to jump up my legs before I shoo them off. One jumps onto a French woman's back and she screams in terror. This place is great.

New Animal Planet reality TV series: When Baby Monkeys Attack! Coming this summer

Raised by monkeys

It's not long before I have a monkey on my back myself. He's a determined adolescent with nothing to lose, and when I try to shake him he grips tight like a cowboy clinging to a raging bull. I give up and let him have his piggyback ride, but of course he wants more. I feel a little furry hand lunge for my glasses and that's when I go into monkey-flinging mode. I need those to see, ya dingus monkey!

Please sir, may I have some more? If you refuse I will just snatch it from from anyways

After I've had my fair share of monkey madness I wander back into the town and get lost. So lost in fact, that a Thai woman politely me asks where I'm going. That's about all the English she knows, so it's all gestural conversation after that initial question. When I gesture that I'm headed towards the train station she points to inform me that I'm walking the wrong way (I don't necessarily have the best sense of direction). No matter! She hurries back into her yard and returns smilings with a motorbike. She motions for me to hop on the back and the next thing I know this lady is carrying me through the streets of Lopburi to my the station. She drops me off and I tell her "Jai dee", meaning kind hearted. She laughs and cruises back into town.

Cruising the streets of Lopburi in style, behind a Thai mom

Seen while lost: roosters and a man burning stuff in his yard

I still have a few hours before my train departs so I post up in some ruins adjacent to the station. Some French travelers stumble in and we talk it up. They are just as high as I am on the monkey business we've just witnessed. Their train approaches and they run off. I begin to sketch a monk sitting on a nearby rock, still as the rock itself.

Fellow travelin' French friends

A friendly older Thai fellow wearing a bright yellow shirt walks up behind me and peers over my shoulder while I draw. He tries to talk to me in Thai but the scraps I know are of little help in conversation. Again, we are left with gestures. I show him some of my drawings and he looks on intently, constantly smiling. He sits down next to me and compares his tan, hairless skin to my pale, furry arm and lightly bearded face.

He scoots a bit closer and pokes my back every now and again. At this point I start to feel a little uncomfortable, but maybe this is a cultural thing, and I don't want to appear an ignorant traveler and offend. I stick it out a bit longer until it becomes all too clear that this old Thai dude is putting the moves on me. Red alert! Abort!

That creep's twisted fantasy in monkey form. That thing on his neck? Don't ask

"I think I hear my train, later!" He tries to give me a hug and grab ahold of my hand. I tear off like a cat dropped in a bathtub. At least take me out to dinner first ya old creeper! The nerve. For another five minutes or so I turn back to observe him following me through the train station. Finally I lose him after performing some expert evasive maneuvers one picks up only after living in San Francisco.

Back off, dude!

Eventually the night sleeper train to Chiang Mai arrives an hour late. Thai time is funny that way. Until then I peer over my shoulder every once in a while, half expecting to see an old Thai man scampering towards me like one of Lopburi's monkeys, looking for love in all the wrong places. Maybe that night he met a monkey that felt the same way about him that he did about it. Too far?

Here are some photos of monkeys that cannot be left out because monkeys are rad